***DISCLAIMER***

I truly hope that the topics I discuss are relevant to those that read them and can provide some insight, or at least console those that feel like they may be going through something alone, when in actuality, we are all dealing with things the best we can.

BUT

This is for me. It is easy to say the right thing, but doing is completely different. I use these as a way to gather my thoughts and advise MYSELF only. I do not, at any point, feel like I am qualified to solve anyone else's problems or issues. I do believe that I can offer my own personal insight and suggest different avenues for one to approach the issues, but I do not have any answers, as you can see from all the issues I have!

Just putting it out there.

revolving door

Recently I have experienced a great deal of change in my life. Where I live, what I do day to day. What my goals are. Beliefs, practices, whatever. But the change that I have had the most trouble with is people. Some have come, some have gone.

We all have heard that people come and go from our lives for a reason. But sometimes I have to believe that there are people worth fighting for.

Which is what I am struggling the most with. I cant determine when I should simply watch someone walk out of my life, and when I should fight for them. Obviously anyone that I contemplate fighting for has had some sort of significance in my life, but what kind of significance justifies the effort? How can I determine the lasting value of a person in my life, or even the value that I may have to them?

I believe God gives us opportunities to grow with every trial we face. I only struggle with trying to determine what that lesson is. I may think initially that the lesson is to learn how to let things go, how to allow a bad situation be just that, understand that it is an unnecessary stress and walk away. But then I may feel like my lesson is to exhibit patience and tolerance. Learn to better deal with things and potentially make a change, not only in myself, but within whoever else is in the situation. Thats by far my favorite, since I like helping people.

Like anyone else, sometimes I get lonely. I have an ex that is still around that I genuinely want to be friends with. But do I keep her around for convenience, or because I actually want to be her friend? I am friends with most of my exes actually. But there is one in particular that I feel only hits me up when the next dude is failing, like a backup. Its crazy, or maybe I am, but I dont think she even realizes what she is doing half the time. I don't want to be that person who keeps people around just in case. So, though I feeling like I have only the best intentions, I dont want to do to my most recent ex, what I feel like that one particular ex is doing to me.

I had a fall out with someone who I was very close to a few years back. In the last few months or so, we began speaking again. And while we arent as close as we were, I do feel like we're in a decent place. I tend to be a pretty understanding person, and I try to acknowledge my role in every situation. I once had a woman chase me down the highway. And while that will never be 100% justified, I try to admit to some of the things that I may have said or done to have brought that on. IN NO WAY IS THAT EVER THE CORRECT RESPONSE TO ANYTHING. I can see how being completely honest with someone can backfire though! Which leads me to someone recently that walked out stormed out of my life. I think I may have actually tried everything with this person. Ignore them, tried to rationalize, tried to talk, yelled, cussed, apologized, played nice, the whole 9. But I could not, for the life of me, figure out why someone would be brought into my life and be one of the coolest people I have ever met for almost exactly 60 days, and then drastically turn into the president of the anti-hb3 club. I'm sure there's a lesson there, I just havent figured it out.

To sum it all up though... people come and go. Some will leave a bad taste in your mouth, and some will leave love and joy in your heart. Most you will forget and some you will take with you everywhere you go. Be kind to all, but be cautious of those you let close. They will inevitably leave something with you that can effect who you are for the rest of your life, positively or negatively. Take whatever you can from each experience and do your best to give twice as much. Being a great friend is hard work, but when you find someone who's trying as hard as you are, its all worth it.

me (the bad)

I am EXCEPTIONALLY lazy. I want a dog. I have a home visit set for today. I knew about it on sunday. I have yet to clean my house. Now, its not a huge deal, but I could have easily started days ago. And I tried. I started cleaning on monday... but I saw a spider web and couldnt immediately find like a duster or something to get them all, so I sat down and played video games.

I am a user. Of people, not drugs. If I know you like to clean, I'll invite you over when my house is a mess. Same for cooking. I will justify this by saying that if you have something you want built/put together, i.e., an ikea dresser, Im on it. I like doing it and will get up out of my laziness to do it. I'm getting better at doing things for myself, like cleaning... not cooking though.

I spend too much money. But not on myself. I'll take you out, buy you drinks and all that. I like to make sure everyone is having a great time, and usually this involves me spending money. I have bottles at home, video games entertain me and soon I'll have a dog. Aside from some clothes here and there, I'm good, but if I care about you, I'll probably blindly spend money, especially the weekends i get paid lol. O, but I do expect some sort of compensation, even if its just a good friendship. Sounds like BS, lol, I know, but its true.

I hate when people have the wrong impression of me, almost to the point where I will fight you over it. Like, I'll punch you in the face if you think I'm not a nice guy.

I also hate when people try and disguise their real feelings with an opposite overreaction. Someone hurt your feelings, but instead of letting that out, you push it down and become this loud, irrational, diss machine that has a sharper tongue than ... i dont know, something sharp. I cant stand that... but we're getting off topic.

I want things now. I want to go to the gym for a week and be stronger/faster/less fatter?. I want people to come to me so I can sell them houses/sell their house.

I am a jack of all trades, and a master of none. I'm good at a lot, but not particularly great at anything. Well, anything that I can get paid to do. Atleast not at my current experience level.

I will sit in the house all day and do nothing. I might even invite others over, and depending on how comfortable I am with those others, I wont say a word. (more comfort, less words). Not necessarily a bad thing, but some people get offended. Like I dont want to go out with them. Or some other assumption.

In addition to that, I am a great conversationalist... when someone else engages me. If you dont speak first, we may not speak at all. If I speak first, I've probably been drinking, lol.

Procrastinator extraordinaire. Which is why im going to stop here and get back to what I should be doing...

Sex, Love and Relationships

Just a quick overview of the three and how they can relate in the perspective of one male specimen.

Relationships. There are two main categories here. Sexual and Non sexual. But these categories can be broken down further.
Sexual Relationship Types-
- My boo
- A person I have sex with.
My boo is pretty obvious. This is a person that I am in an active relationship with. Within this relationship, there will be some recognizable traits of love, for me at least.

Now a person I have sex with is a little more complicated. There are two types of people that can fit into this group. One who I had previously shared a non-sexual relationship with, and one who I had sex with and developed a sexual relationship. These situations have the potential to escalate into a boo scenario. They can also remain in one of two states. Someone I am cool with that I may occasionally have sex with, and someone I have sex with that I might occasionally hangout with. It is literally that simple. In most cases, I know where you reside and will let you know if you have any questions about your position.

Non-Sexual Relationship Types-
- Family
- Like Family
- Friend

Family, is just that. No explanation needed.

Like family are those that I love and respect as dearly as my God-given family. Only difference is that I hand picked them myself.

Friends. I consider almost everyone I know, and get along with, a friend. I guess this would be what most people would call an associate. But in an effort to be nice to everyone, I just call everyone friend. Those I am closest to, would fit into the aforementioned group.

Exceptions. I have a few ex girlfriends that I would consider like family. I have had like family friends that are only there because they chose to be; they could easily go to boo.

Love
Who you love is not a choice. If you think you can pick and chose who you love, you probably have never experienced true love. That is how I distinguish between my friends and my like family folks. That is how I decide to move a person I have sex with to a boo. While it may or may not be full blown love, there are tale-tale signs that indicate to me that that is what's happening.

Sex
It seems that this is the most confusing. Let me start of by saying that this includes all sexually driven activity; i.e., kissing. I am a man. As a man, I have a natural desire to...uhhh... "plant seed." If a woman I find worthy of said seed shows ANY sign of willingness to receiving said seed, I will engage. No, that doesnt mean I will just jump on that. What it does mean is that will talk, flirt and do whatever else i deem necessary to further determine the merit of her candidacy; UNLESS, I have a reason not to such as a personal agenda that this may effect negatively, or another woman that I am actively pursuing.

Through reading this, I hope that you noticed a few things.
1) Sex stands alone. With Love and Relationships, there is potential for overlap within all three areas. But when sex is the initial subject, there is not relation to the other two. Moral of this story. If one just wants to have sex with you, thats what it is, just sex. If one seeks a relationship or love, sex is still on the table, but not necessarily a driving factor.
2) Roles are not constants. They must be discussed. One may want to be in a relationship with you, but in 30 days, you may have done something to change that... but that doesnt mean that person wouldn't let you hold some of their spludge if given the chance! In addition, the desire to do so is not ones attempt to lead anyone on. Within any relationship type, communication is Key.

While this is just an account from one man, I'd like to believe that the lessons learned here are universal.

Misguided Ghosts

Video is at the bottom if you want to stop the auto-playback...

It is very easy to run. To avoid the things that we don't understand. To steer clear of the things that have hurt is in the past. It's in fact, instinctual. We are creatures of habit.

I believe that some of these habits/instincts, can actually be harmful to our person well-being, especially those that cause us to generalize. I have made major life changes at times because of these instincts. I moved literally from coast to coast to avoid a situation that I thought would be inevitable if I remained where I was, all because of the ghost of bad experiences. I have heard that who we are is simply a personal interpretation of the collection of our experiences. You experience, you learn, you adapt. But at times, a particular experience, or small collection of experiences can have such a negative effect on us, that they override the logical process of evaluating our experiences as a collective, consideration all scenarios and outcomes, and forces us to draw a false conclusion. A conclusion that is based on the overwhelming pain/grief/fear from one instance that had such an impact that it distorts our view/opinion of any life situation we face that we deem comparable in the future. Though the characters may be different, the scenario, and even our own personal outlook on life, we remain haunted, and will make misguided decisions that we may believe will protect us from ever experiencing such hardships again.

I once had a alter-ego, or alternate persona that I would turn on and off to deal with some of the things I have faced in my life. I had a habit of shutting down. I don't know if this is a curable character flaw, but I was given the option of fight or flight, and I'm personally tired of running. Maybe I'm running from my resolution. Maybe there is no resolution. For now, I will do my best to recognize when I am being misguided by the ghosts that haunt me and stop them. I will not always succeed. I may not catch it in time to actually make a difference, but I will always try.

I dont always know what to say, or how to say it, but this song gave me a bit of direction and inspired me to write this.

Hope it helps




{Verse 1}
I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

{Chorus}
And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

{Verse 2}
Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

{Chorus}
And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

Lessons Learned #1

I have lived. Therefore I have experienced and learned. We all have. This is my effort to analysis what I have experienced and determine what the true lesson in these experiences should be. There are assumed lessons we grab ahold to in an effort to protect ourselves. "Such and such cheated", so your assumed lesson is that all men do and not to trust men. "She spazed on me", so your assumed lesson is that all women are crazy. There is always an underlining truth that can be applied to your life somehow. Sometimes it is a lesson on the opposite sex, but 9 times out 9, its a reflection of you that you may need to examine.
As I stated before, I've had my experiences, and I've come to my own conclusions. But I want to re-examine some of them, to make sure I came to a reasonable conclusion, and also to re-enforces some of the lessons that I mat have neglected recently.

Lesson One: Untitled
(I struggled with a title for this lesson for a while, but determined that it can be applied in so many different ways, that it would be unfair to classify it in only one. While it mostly deals with casual relationships, it can easily go into a more serious one that has had its fair share of turmoil... trust me, I speak from experience)

In recently events, and events gone by, I have had the uncanny ability to separate what I say(read: how I feel) from what I do. Unlike some who do it just because they can, I try and only use that ability when it serves a purpose. I have been in the process of trying to understand myself better, and in an effort to do so, I have vowed not to pursue any type of relationship. At the beginning of this processes, I was still trying to figure out what all the rules were. Initially I figured, as long I told people what was up, everything should be alright. So I would be very upfront; we're just friends, if we hang out, chill, do whatever, we are just friends. Me being the guy that I am, I like to chill out on the couch, watch a movie, cuddle and all that soft stuff at times. Thats just me. But this can be read wrong. So, while I thought the rules were laid out, apparently I was breaking all of them. So I tried another approach. I wouldnt hang out and chill. I wouldnt call to see what you were doing. But I wasnt completely distant. I answered the phone, I responded to texts, I might go out as a group every now and then. And I would answer questions. Which leads to Rule 1.2, if you are asked if a question can be asked, so no. It might be weird, but the question will only get you in trouble. I digress. I would get questions like, do you miss me, do you not like hanging out with me, do you think we would talk if you werent doing what you're doing now? And I would do my best to answer honestly, because in this situation, it doesnt really matter what you say, so why not tell the truth. Not that I believe women are TRYING to trap you, but there is NO possible winning answer unless you plan on changing that day and being with the girl. If you say yes, to any of the aforementioned questions, then you could potentially be leading someone on. If you say no, then your an asshole and must explain why you keep letting someone come around you if you dont really like their presence.

Each lesson provides a dilemma and a solution. "I see the dilemma, but how do I resolve it?" Well, I am glad you asked. The answer all depends on you. You have to know yourself. You have to know what you can and cannot deal with. It took me a long time to find my answer for this question, but I have now. So, I'll tell you what works for me and why.

I have chosen to be upfront and honest with people, with a regularly scheduled revisit of the facts. I know me. I'm prone to catch feelings. I have far more control of it then I have had in the past, but it still happens. I can say one thing today, and in 10 days, fell a different way. This route, of honesty, allows me to be who I am, and still be able to sleep at night after my actions have an undesirable affect. You see, after I cross examine my actions, if I find that I did nothing that directly contradicted whatever I said while being upfront and honest, then I can rest easy knowing that I never did anything beyond that, no matter how the other person perceives it. I hate to be the bad guy, I do. I will do all I can to make sure that I clarify any misconceptions about myself. I wish everybody liked me all the time, but when the status of jerk-face is undeserved, I have a much easier time accepting that that situation must not have been for me.

Moral of the story, be real with yourself. Accept who you are, and hope to find someone who can accept you too.