the break up

Been a minute huh...

Well, this one isnt gonna be fun, or to a particular point. Just got somethings I want to say and have nowhere else i think they will be accepted very well.

So yea, just went through a break up a few weeks ago, I guess months ago at this point.

For those of you that knew, I had been off and on with a young lady for about three years. Mostly on, but there were some rough patches. I am not going to go into detail about what happened or fault or all of that, but i can gaurantee that most of you will assume that means it is my fault. Think what you want, just keep reading.

So in the end, it was my decision to move on, somewhat. It was more of an ultimatum, but then was retracted, but things had already begun to change. Then a lot of back and forth. Then one day I said I was tired and couldnt deal anymore.

Anywho, that was just the begining. But let me give some examples of how the male brain works after a break up, especially in the case of one that wasnt a terrible break and wasnt based on mutual distain.

I love you, and I dont want to end it, but its been on this negative path so long that I cant imagine things ever getting better. I dont want to keep making you miserable and every time we talk (arguue) i basically feel like im the wrong person for you and im ruining your life. With that being the case, I dont want to see you over me, period. As the breaker, I know that it was my decision and as a man, im gonna deal with it, but i sure as hell dont want to. I want to see you happy, just not without me. But i cant see you happy with me... catch 22. As we have broke up in the past, i know what it does to you, or what it did. If you were distrought, ialmost need you to be again, but when you seem good and happy and over it, its a FUCKING gut punch. Which I assume is what you want, but damn. And with most exes that werent terrible you end up doing that whole i miss you lets hang out thing for a while. I want to, but i dont want to hurt you anymore. But I want to. Especially after three years. Thats what you know. That feels like home. And to top it all off, the actual three year anniversary passes and your off on some trip having the time of your life. You said for years you would not do certain things, and your suddenly doing them. You didnt even think to call me, and i damn sure wasnt gonna call you to hear you out having a great time and im sitting around bullshitting.

But you try to move on. You stay busy and get things done and whatever else you need to do. But at some point you go home. at some point someone asks about that person because they dont know your broke up. You have to change your passwords from their names. You have to decide whether or not to unfriend them, unfollow them and delete their folder in your email. You have to do the things they always did for you. You have to decide whether or not to ever go back to the places you only went with that person. You have to decide whether or not to continue to do the things you did with them. My ex and I lived together, worked together and started grad school at the same time, at the same school in very similar programs. I had someone there for me every step of the way, and now its just me.

I wish there was a point to this. I wish there was a lesson that I could see and grow from. I wish she was a terrible person, or fat and lazy or something that would have made tis easier. But id like to think that I wouldnt keep someone around for that long if it wasnt worth it. But you can only get close enough to know everything if you committ and invest. It may not be a bad investment, jst not the right one for you. Or just not the right one at that time. It funny to me, maybe just to me, that her mother dated a guy, left him, married someone else, had a life, but eventually got back with the first guy. Is that whats suppose to happen here? I highly doubt it, but yuo never know. Things never work out as planned.

At the end of the day, I do want the very best for her and unfortunately, I truly believe that that is not me right now. So, in the face of someone who really loves me, I made what i believe to be the best decision for the both of us. Without her consent. Without being 100% sure. Holding my jar of hearts only to hope to find someone else like you(song references, look em up).

Not sure what else to say. Just wish this was al alot easier then it has been. I hope its easier for her to understand and move on then it has been for me.

Baker:

Strength

I write this very timidly. When I do decide to put things down on paper, it is usually after a conversation, or just something that has been on my mind. Today though, this will be based solely on a recent experience. Those parties involved... well this is my place to talk freely, and I have a few things to say. Its not like anyone really reads this thing anyway.

Strength is an odd thing. It is very difficult to perceive true strength. Obviously physical strength, most times, can be measured by the size of a bicep, or the weights displaced by one trying to prove/improve their strength. (As I type, I feel like is will be about much more than strength, but for now, thats what the title is.) Strength is sometimes misidentified. Unfortunately, we live in a society where the strong are considered brash, or rude, or overachievers. The norm is to be weak. To be a pushover, to be followers. As such, people that arent necessarily weak can feel dominate because there seems to be a universal law enforcing the pussyfication of our society. (thanks for the term Philly D... sidenote: watch the phillip defranco show on youtube, AWESOME).

As to not call anyone out, I'll be as general as possible here... I have dealt with some misguide folks in my day. While I am no MLK, I know what I want and what I need and try to do what I think will best serve those purposes. On the other hand, I can be coaxed into taking a flyer when I come out of the club, and I have been falsely energized into a pyramid scheme, but still, no pushover. But because it seems that I had a habit of dealing with people "weaker" in their resolve than I, it was very easy for me to feel as though I was a stronger person. I had/have goals, I understood the consequences of actions and evaluate risk before I do things. And to some extent, I felt that with some folks, I was bring some sort of structure into their lives. I made them better.

Then I found myself dealing with people that also considered themselves strong individuals, and rightfully so. They didn't need my structure and I certainly wasnt making them better because of my presence. This was a new experience. And this is where I believe I began to understand what strength is.

As I was use to being the strongest, I have a habit of thinking all that I do is right. Not because everyone else was wrong per say... but because, usually, I was the only one trying to make a decision and get something done, achieve a goal or what have you. I was thrown into a world where my thought process was scrutinized. I found that a lot of my ideas and thoughts werent actually thought out very well. I was laughed at, and confronted, and ridiculed. But I understood that it was not at all (mostly) mean spirited.

Honestly, if it had been in any other situation, if it had happened earlier in life, I would not be who I am now. I would not have been ready for such an experience. The only reason I truly believe I survived is because I called myself looking for this. I wanted to prove I was who I thought I was. I wanted to prove that even though I had a pretty decent list of goals and accomplishments, that I could succeed when the cards were not all falling in my favor. Up until that point, my life had not been very difficult. I was give a gift that allowed me to put in minimal effort, and still succeed. At least on a small scale.

I am stronger because of it, but still not the strongest. I have kept some old bad habits, and have learned some new ones. But I did learn a lot about me and what strength really is. No, I cant tell you. There is no manual, or 12 step process. Everyone is born with different strengths, and will develop others. I can tell you, however, some of the things I have deduced from my experience...

Have an 85% solid resolve. Be confident in what you do and say. But don't be so confident that you can not take, hear, or deal with criticisms or advice. You are always trying to do your best, even when you have no clue of what you're are doing. But when you are unwilling to consider others thoughts, you cant win. That does not necessarily mean give in. You have to be able to quickly evaluate the value and risk associated with decisions you make. Take blame when you fail. If you show up late, dont blame traffic (or a faulty red line train), recognize that you didnt consider delays and you left too late. Be open to any ideas when you dont know what you're doing. As silly as they may sound, they may just be right. Recognize the uniqueness in every situation, and dont pre-judge everything because you've seen similar before. Sometimes the difference between regular and great is subtle, and you'll pass it up if you can't recognize the little things.

And thats as far as I got... (Outkast reference... no one else picked up on that...)

SUMMARY: my strength is in my ability to evaluate and adapt, or stay steadfast.... and know when to apply each.

ADVICE: Know yours (strengths) and work to possess others

New Name

For those that have been around since the begining (the three of you, and assuming more than those three are reading now...), I've decided to make a name change.
Hfb verbing 1) seemed a little immature. Too much like freshman year in drew hall, when it was first used, and 2) didnt truly discribe the direction my writing seems to be going.

I have come to another crossroads in my life and it seems as though I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in life 10 years ago. But not in a failure kind of way, lol. Just a completely different place then I thought. I'm still on the east coast, I am a completely different field, by choice.

Quick aside, I'm seeing a lot of BEAUTIFUL black women in commercials lately. I just saw a mom in a milk commercial that , uhhh, yea, lets refocus.

This will be my way of keeping up with the misconceptions, truths and revalations of a "not that young anymore" adult trying to find his way. As always, this will be a collaboration of my experiences, experiences of others and relevant hypotheticals... afterall, ya'll dont need to KNOW all of my personal life! Until someone pays me to write, this is the way its gonna be, until I become 30 something.

As always, comments are appreciate. If you think I'm right on, or full or shit cow patties, let me know whatcha think.

Adults

Lets discuss a few things. I'd like to consider myself a stand up guy, and for the most part, I tend to have a grasp on what is reality. As adults, I would like to think we all have that, but what I think and what is sometimes tend to be polar opposites. So lets get some grown man, logical thoughts out in the open.

Pursuit: As a non-lame dude, I try and take the hints. If I'm calling you, offering to do this and that, planning nice things to do for you and I am not getting much of a response, I'm going to fall back. I am no tupac, dont tease me, i dont enjoy or respond well to that. I'm not saying give me the booty instantly, but dont feel like you need to play hard to get. If you are worth being with, I will appreciate you for that, not because you made me take you out for 2 months and acted uninterested every time. Be you, isnt that what I'm after anyway? If you suddenly become this difficult, boring person, dont get mad when I stop calling you.

Dates/dating: You're cool and I'd like to take you out. As a gentlemen, since I invited you out, I feel like its my duty to take care of that evening. You may not know me well, so I understand if you want to drive yourself rather than have me come pick you up, but outside of that, I've got the evening covered. Depending on how well that evening goes, we may have further communication, and depending on how well that goes, I may requests a second outing. Again, my invitation, its all on me. This is when I tend to make a few observations. Some women think they are slick... if everytime we talk you say you are hungry and suggest some extravagant restaurant, unless you distinctly say you got this one or something along those lines, you're trying to be slick. If you never respond when I hit you up but then hit me up like clockwork the day before we went out last week (we went out wednesday so you hit me up tuesday of next week) and ask if I wanna do something, you're trying to be slick. If you're not feeling me, cool, but this aint about to be your regular solution for that one night out of the week you dont want to cook!

Tests: Plan and Simple, dont test me. You dont like a man to order for you, dont tell me in detail what you want at dinner and wait to see if I try and relay the message to the waiter. You like a man to hold a door open for you, dont rush to the door to see if I'm gonna sprint to beat you there to hold it for you.

Visits: Yes, we are adults. And as adults we set our own curfews. I could chose to stay out til 3am on a tuesday if I want. Thats my right. But if you want to hang out with me at my house, after 10pm mon-thursday, you better not be coming over to watch tv, or just talk. Sure, you could really want to come over and play madden, and you might come at 7 and not leave until 1am. That has happened. But if you leave your house at 10:45 and bring a bag, you need to know that at some point my intentions will be to get a mouthful handful of something. This does not apply to out of town guests, unless that has already happened. Nor does this apply to the homies, the forreal homies, and if you dont know if you're a forreal homie, then it would be in you're best interest not to arrive at my house after 10pm just to hang out.

Cute is not an excuse: As I am not a multi-billionaire, I have no intention of having a trophy wife. Even if I was, I doubt I will ever accept a women into my life whose job is to spend my money. Thats what children are for. I had a discussion with some friends a few days ago about tradition roles in a relationship. At one point in my life I was open to whatever. I thought," its the 21st century, women dont have to cook and clean like the once did." LOL. I accepted girlfriends that couldn't cook and didnt clean well. Yet I was still expected to take out the trash, change the blown lights, make more money and kill that spider. Well shit geez, can I get the daddy piece of chicken and an ironed shirt in return!? I'm not necessarily looking to have you barefoot and preggers ( you can if you want, but there's a long conversation that needs to proceed that) nor do I expect you to do ALL the cleaning and cooking at ALL times. BUT, it does seem that the majority of beautiful women under 30 that i've met feel like they are excused from bringing assets to the table because of their appearance, yet still expect men to get 95+ on their 100 point checklist.

Lastly, ask and you shall receive: Its an age old saying, but is the truth. Obviously there is a time of discovery and somethings are actually better done in that manner, but if there is a specific need or want, say so. No appropriate examples here ;o)

***DISCLAIMER***

I truly hope that the topics I discuss are relevant to those that read them and can provide some insight, or at least console those that feel like they may be going through something alone, when in actuality, we are all dealing with things the best we can.

BUT

This is for me. It is easy to say the right thing, but doing is completely different. I use these as a way to gather my thoughts and advise MYSELF only. I do not, at any point, feel like I am qualified to solve anyone else's problems or issues. I do believe that I can offer my own personal insight and suggest different avenues for one to approach the issues, but I do not have any answers, as you can see from all the issues I have!

Just putting it out there.

revolving door

Recently I have experienced a great deal of change in my life. Where I live, what I do day to day. What my goals are. Beliefs, practices, whatever. But the change that I have had the most trouble with is people. Some have come, some have gone.

We all have heard that people come and go from our lives for a reason. But sometimes I have to believe that there are people worth fighting for.

Which is what I am struggling the most with. I cant determine when I should simply watch someone walk out of my life, and when I should fight for them. Obviously anyone that I contemplate fighting for has had some sort of significance in my life, but what kind of significance justifies the effort? How can I determine the lasting value of a person in my life, or even the value that I may have to them?

I believe God gives us opportunities to grow with every trial we face. I only struggle with trying to determine what that lesson is. I may think initially that the lesson is to learn how to let things go, how to allow a bad situation be just that, understand that it is an unnecessary stress and walk away. But then I may feel like my lesson is to exhibit patience and tolerance. Learn to better deal with things and potentially make a change, not only in myself, but within whoever else is in the situation. Thats by far my favorite, since I like helping people.

Like anyone else, sometimes I get lonely. I have an ex that is still around that I genuinely want to be friends with. But do I keep her around for convenience, or because I actually want to be her friend? I am friends with most of my exes actually. But there is one in particular that I feel only hits me up when the next dude is failing, like a backup. Its crazy, or maybe I am, but I dont think she even realizes what she is doing half the time. I don't want to be that person who keeps people around just in case. So, though I feeling like I have only the best intentions, I dont want to do to my most recent ex, what I feel like that one particular ex is doing to me.

I had a fall out with someone who I was very close to a few years back. In the last few months or so, we began speaking again. And while we arent as close as we were, I do feel like we're in a decent place. I tend to be a pretty understanding person, and I try to acknowledge my role in every situation. I once had a woman chase me down the highway. And while that will never be 100% justified, I try to admit to some of the things that I may have said or done to have brought that on. IN NO WAY IS THAT EVER THE CORRECT RESPONSE TO ANYTHING. I can see how being completely honest with someone can backfire though! Which leads me to someone recently that walked out stormed out of my life. I think I may have actually tried everything with this person. Ignore them, tried to rationalize, tried to talk, yelled, cussed, apologized, played nice, the whole 9. But I could not, for the life of me, figure out why someone would be brought into my life and be one of the coolest people I have ever met for almost exactly 60 days, and then drastically turn into the president of the anti-hb3 club. I'm sure there's a lesson there, I just havent figured it out.

To sum it all up though... people come and go. Some will leave a bad taste in your mouth, and some will leave love and joy in your heart. Most you will forget and some you will take with you everywhere you go. Be kind to all, but be cautious of those you let close. They will inevitably leave something with you that can effect who you are for the rest of your life, positively or negatively. Take whatever you can from each experience and do your best to give twice as much. Being a great friend is hard work, but when you find someone who's trying as hard as you are, its all worth it.

me (the bad)

I am EXCEPTIONALLY lazy. I want a dog. I have a home visit set for today. I knew about it on sunday. I have yet to clean my house. Now, its not a huge deal, but I could have easily started days ago. And I tried. I started cleaning on monday... but I saw a spider web and couldnt immediately find like a duster or something to get them all, so I sat down and played video games.

I am a user. Of people, not drugs. If I know you like to clean, I'll invite you over when my house is a mess. Same for cooking. I will justify this by saying that if you have something you want built/put together, i.e., an ikea dresser, Im on it. I like doing it and will get up out of my laziness to do it. I'm getting better at doing things for myself, like cleaning... not cooking though.

I spend too much money. But not on myself. I'll take you out, buy you drinks and all that. I like to make sure everyone is having a great time, and usually this involves me spending money. I have bottles at home, video games entertain me and soon I'll have a dog. Aside from some clothes here and there, I'm good, but if I care about you, I'll probably blindly spend money, especially the weekends i get paid lol. O, but I do expect some sort of compensation, even if its just a good friendship. Sounds like BS, lol, I know, but its true.

I hate when people have the wrong impression of me, almost to the point where I will fight you over it. Like, I'll punch you in the face if you think I'm not a nice guy.

I also hate when people try and disguise their real feelings with an opposite overreaction. Someone hurt your feelings, but instead of letting that out, you push it down and become this loud, irrational, diss machine that has a sharper tongue than ... i dont know, something sharp. I cant stand that... but we're getting off topic.

I want things now. I want to go to the gym for a week and be stronger/faster/less fatter?. I want people to come to me so I can sell them houses/sell their house.

I am a jack of all trades, and a master of none. I'm good at a lot, but not particularly great at anything. Well, anything that I can get paid to do. Atleast not at my current experience level.

I will sit in the house all day and do nothing. I might even invite others over, and depending on how comfortable I am with those others, I wont say a word. (more comfort, less words). Not necessarily a bad thing, but some people get offended. Like I dont want to go out with them. Or some other assumption.

In addition to that, I am a great conversationalist... when someone else engages me. If you dont speak first, we may not speak at all. If I speak first, I've probably been drinking, lol.

Procrastinator extraordinaire. Which is why im going to stop here and get back to what I should be doing...