Year In Review

Unfortunately I am here to report that this has been the worst year of my life. There were good days, great events. My grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. Had a good time. Started school again and I am doing well. But there was an abundance of bad days and terrible events. As my outlet, I feel like I can be honest here, something that i have recently tried to incorporate into my everyday actual life. With that said, I can tell you, a lot of the bad this year is my fault. Not that the situations didn't suck, or that bad things weren't happening, but that the way that I responded to them made ok bad, and bad terrible.

I was unemployed for 3/4 of the year. For 9 months, I was without a paycheck. But I had an incredible support system... that I did not appreciate at all. I was so set on being the man and bringing in the money and doing the man things. But instead of appreciating and doing whatever I could, I sat around feeling sorry for myself, almost literally doing nothing to contribute. Not only did I not contribute, but I somehow found things to complain about.

I had a lot more to say, but thats all. At the end of the day, my attitude and self pity have me sitting in my bed on christmas by myself. Now would be the time to feel sorry for myself. Now I actually have nothing. And its hard. Harder than any day over the last year. But I cant continue in that way. Somehow I am going to have to pick myself up. Not to get over it however. Most people say you have to get up and move on. Not me. I know what I had. I know I messed it up. All I want to do now is get it back. I have gotten over myself. I am slowly getting back up. But I am not moving on. I destroyed the best thing I ever had. I may never get it back, though I pray everyday that I will. In the meantime though, I will pick up every little piece of whats left, polish it, make it perfect, and make the very best of it and appreciate it. Eventually, God willing, I can find all the little pieces and begin gluing the whole thing back together. This is my life long goal. Nothing else matters. I will do all the things I can to make it come together. To be what it needs me to be. To be the very best of me, because I cant ask for the best without being the best myself.

Ive been watching "How I Met Your Mother" lately, and it is a great show. There is a lot that I can relate to, but my real goal, the real reason I watch it, is because one day I want to be able to tell my kids all the things I had to do to get there mother. The success story at the end of it all. Show them what real love will make you do. How much real love is worth sacrificing. That a real love can over come the very worst.

Sigh, im rambling again.

Thanks for listening. Hope you are able to spend your christmas with the one you love, your very best friend, your family. If nothing else, I hope my plight and stupidity can help you avoid the things I put myself through.

Never forget what you have, because even if you realize what you have before it is actually gone, it may be on its way out.

Happy Festivus

the break up

Been a minute huh...

Well, this one isnt gonna be fun, or to a particular point. Just got somethings I want to say and have nowhere else i think they will be accepted very well.

So yea, just went through a break up a few weeks ago, I guess months ago at this point.

For those of you that knew, I had been off and on with a young lady for about three years. Mostly on, but there were some rough patches. I am not going to go into detail about what happened or fault or all of that, but i can gaurantee that most of you will assume that means it is my fault. Think what you want, just keep reading.

So in the end, it was my decision to move on, somewhat. It was more of an ultimatum, but then was retracted, but things had already begun to change. Then a lot of back and forth. Then one day I said I was tired and couldnt deal anymore.

Anywho, that was just the begining. But let me give some examples of how the male brain works after a break up, especially in the case of one that wasnt a terrible break and wasnt based on mutual distain.

I love you, and I dont want to end it, but its been on this negative path so long that I cant imagine things ever getting better. I dont want to keep making you miserable and every time we talk (arguue) i basically feel like im the wrong person for you and im ruining your life. With that being the case, I dont want to see you over me, period. As the breaker, I know that it was my decision and as a man, im gonna deal with it, but i sure as hell dont want to. I want to see you happy, just not without me. But i cant see you happy with me... catch 22. As we have broke up in the past, i know what it does to you, or what it did. If you were distrought, ialmost need you to be again, but when you seem good and happy and over it, its a FUCKING gut punch. Which I assume is what you want, but damn. And with most exes that werent terrible you end up doing that whole i miss you lets hang out thing for a while. I want to, but i dont want to hurt you anymore. But I want to. Especially after three years. Thats what you know. That feels like home. And to top it all off, the actual three year anniversary passes and your off on some trip having the time of your life. You said for years you would not do certain things, and your suddenly doing them. You didnt even think to call me, and i damn sure wasnt gonna call you to hear you out having a great time and im sitting around bullshitting.

But you try to move on. You stay busy and get things done and whatever else you need to do. But at some point you go home. at some point someone asks about that person because they dont know your broke up. You have to change your passwords from their names. You have to decide whether or not to unfriend them, unfollow them and delete their folder in your email. You have to do the things they always did for you. You have to decide whether or not to ever go back to the places you only went with that person. You have to decide whether or not to continue to do the things you did with them. My ex and I lived together, worked together and started grad school at the same time, at the same school in very similar programs. I had someone there for me every step of the way, and now its just me.

I wish there was a point to this. I wish there was a lesson that I could see and grow from. I wish she was a terrible person, or fat and lazy or something that would have made tis easier. But id like to think that I wouldnt keep someone around for that long if it wasnt worth it. But you can only get close enough to know everything if you committ and invest. It may not be a bad investment, jst not the right one for you. Or just not the right one at that time. It funny to me, maybe just to me, that her mother dated a guy, left him, married someone else, had a life, but eventually got back with the first guy. Is that whats suppose to happen here? I highly doubt it, but yuo never know. Things never work out as planned.

At the end of the day, I do want the very best for her and unfortunately, I truly believe that that is not me right now. So, in the face of someone who really loves me, I made what i believe to be the best decision for the both of us. Without her consent. Without being 100% sure. Holding my jar of hearts only to hope to find someone else like you(song references, look em up).

Not sure what else to say. Just wish this was al alot easier then it has been. I hope its easier for her to understand and move on then it has been for me.

Baker: